OK in theory, iffy in practice.
What is dowry? Well, here’s a definition from the Cambridge Dictionary:
dowry
noun
in some societies, an amount of money or property that a woman’s parents give to the man she marries.
This is a definition that may come as a surprise to Africans such as myself, as in Africa, it is the man who pays the dowry to his future bride’s family. But in European and Asian cultures, it was common (and still is in some countries) for the reverse to take place, hence the definition given above.
Now the concept of dowry was originally created for several reasons. In the case of bride-to-groom dowry, it could serve as ‘insurance’ for the bride in case she suffered any abuse from her husband and his family. The fact that this was a reality that necessitated payment is kinda messed up in my opinion. If you think there might be bullying in your marriage, then you might want to reconsider your options.
In the case of groom-to-bride dowry, the payment intended to show that a husband would be able to take care and provide for his wife. Dowry payments also served to unite the two families together. This is a better motivation than the previously stated one, but I’ve still got some issues with it, even though I get the whole ‘can you provide for our daughter?’ aspect.
Unfortunately, it is common, in Kenya and other African countries, for the bride’s family to see dowry as an opportunity to get lots of money out of the husband, who probably just wants to marry his fiancée and get on with life. Such families demand large amounts of livestock ( in Africa, dowry is usually paid in the form of cows, goats or other animals) or money that the husband may not be able to afford to pay. Some families justify their requests by stating that their girl had fees paid for her to go through school.’ So, did the guy also not go to school? What about his parents? Some even demand dowry for each child the couple has, which is just wrong, I’m sorry. Children are human beings, not a commodity.
The same issues can occur with bride-to-groom dowry, even the whole compensation for education angle, which must be really frustrating. Fathers in some countries have gone bankrupt because of paying dowries for their daughters. Parents reason that since the bride will share in the future earnings of her husband, the parents also deserve a piece of that pie. I thought this was marriage, not a business partnership!
Why is dowry unilateral? Marriage is a union between two people, where two families are brought together, right? Maybe a two-way dowry payment system, where both families bring what they can, could serve as a fairer system for everybody. That’s an idea. Not being able to pay excessive dowry payments shouldn’t prevent a couple from getting married. Yeah, you need resources to start a family. But marriage is ultimately about love and partnership. Let’s keep that at the centre.
Sources:
Cambridge Dictionary: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/dowry